It seems that more and more often people stumble across this blog from a google search.
Let me be the first to tell you that, given the search words that are leading y'all here, I'm really sorry to disappoint.
Most popular is far and away "ikemen" or "ikemen blog" or something involving "ikemen". I've only posted on ikemen once and I'd be willing to bet it is not what the searchers are looking for. And now that I've written "ikemen" five times in the past three sentences I'm going to draw in more poor unsuspecting souls. It's like an ikemen Siren call. Sorry to smash your hopes on the rocks.
Next is Takuya Kimura. Actually, if I was searching for Takuya Kimura and I came across my posts, I wouldn't be too upset. They would amuse me for a few minutes, then I'd move on. So, I won't apologize for this one.
And my personal favorite search term that has led people astray to this blog is a searcher from Thailand google searching "Osaka whore".
Yes.
Well, I definitely do need to apologize to this person, as I am pretty damn certain they were not searching for a metaphor comparing the city of Osaka to a cheap prostitute.
Just thought I should take the time to apologize to everyone in the future who stumbles across this looking for lots of ikemen, Takuya Kimura, or Osaka whores (and I can't let February pass having only posted twice!).
If I can confess, up until about a month ago, my studying of Japanese consisted of a two-fold strategy: willing myself to learn it and hoping to learn by passive osmosis. Surprisingly, simply wanting to learn something really badly will not actually make it happen. Equally surprisingly, simply hoping to just absorb it by being constantly surrounded by it also does not work.
So, motivated by the consuming rage that accompanies being a mute I charged my way to the bookstore and bought out the Japanese language section.
And I must say, it's surprising just how much you can learn by actually studying. However I have seemed to approach a weird step in the language acquisition process. I can generally understand what people around me are saying (or saying at me) yet I don't have the ability to respond back. Which is even more frustrating than the situation I had been in before. It's the language learning equivalent of "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly" (see, random credit-filler film analysis courses do have a purpose, namely name dropping to make a person seem refined).
However I have two constant sources of motivation. First, I will not allow myself to make an ass out of myself: I bought these books in a fury of motivation I can't take the expected route and burn out after a month.
And second, it's amazing how the motivation to learn a language can be sustained when the results are a little more, what shall we say?
I was in the grocery store the other day when I looked down at my basket and thought “What is all this shit? What was I thinking when I put this in my basket??” While some were things I really didn’t need, some others were things I needed but brands I never use, but for whatever reason decided I needed to have that day.
So I went back through the store, retracing my steps as I put the needless shit back. Cup Ramen. Potato Chips I don’t even like. A cosmetic product I never use. A flavor of gum that seemed like a needless risk.
By the time I got to the gum I looked up and I was eye to eye with Professional Pretty Boy Takuya Kimura. “Wow, this asshole will whore his perfectly proportioned face for just about anything huh?” I thought with a slightly jealous (but pretending to be better than him) smirk.
I continued with my shopping contemplating how unfair it is that anyone should look like that and wondering what he really looks like without pounds of make-up and perfect lighting, when I noticed, “Seriously. This guy is everywhere.
Cup Ramen:
Potato Chips I don’t even like.
A cosmetic product I never use:
A flavor of gum that seemed like a needless risk…”
“Oh shit.”
“They got me. Those sneaky bastards got me and I didn’t even know it!!!”
“Damn you marketing conglomerates with your cheap and totally not subtle techniques. But most of all damn you Takuya Kimura and your unholy beauty!”
I don’t remember thinking that I should buy said products because Takuya Kimura was on or near the product. But clearly the connection cannot be denied. And really though. Does the man need to advertise chocolate, hair products, gum, chips, cup ramen, and everything else? Can’t he just stick to being in one of the most successful Japanese bands ever and being a movie star? Clearly he doesn’t give a flying fuck about over-exposure or becoming the Proctor and Gamble equivalent of product spokesperson.
I mean, how many people do you know who whore for 98 yen cup ramen then turn around and pose with Beyonce for $500 handbags?
Then sell out 60,000 seat stadiums with barely mediocre singing?
Not that I'm jealous or anything.
(Look at this shit!! This basically turned into a Takuya Kimura homage didn't it?! Damn him; getting fabulously wealthy based on nothing other than a favorable combination of genes!)
It is one thing to get so caught up in daily life that I forget the fact that I’m actually in Japan, then have it suddenly dawn on me. But it is quite another to actually go places and experience things that I have seen a million times in videos or pictures.
These moments are incredibly powerful. Seriously. When I had the moment I’m about to write about I almost passed out. Which would have been a serious problem because it was on a crowded subway platform in Osaka.
Part of the fact that these moments might be so powerful is maybe because a lot needs to go right in order to have these “Holy shit!” moments. First and most difficult, I need to have seen something Japan-related in the US, then physically have that same exact moment in Japan. It’s like two parallel universes must merge for a moment. But it’s not enough for these universes to merely meet, I must also be consciously aware of the fact that it’s happening so I can step through the break in the space-time continuum caused by such a moment and temporarily reach the Divine Enlightenment of the “Holy shit” moment.
Anyway, let’s get to the story.
On my third and final day in Osaka back in November I was tired, cold, and doing anything to avoid going back to the hotel to pack my suitcases yet again and head to the next city on my whirlwind tour. So I was standing on a platform waiting for a subway on the main line in Osaka, when I decided I just needed to sit and absorb what’s going on. So I deliberately missed several trains, just watching the scene on the platform.
This is not one of those narrow tube platforms.It was needlessly huge. The ceilings were vaulted like, and about as high as, a cathedral. The lighting was provided by chandeliers (yes chandeliers) that gave off a bright, but dingy yellow light.
So every time a train arrived this magical little jingle would play.
The first time I heard it I was like “Huh. That sounds kind of familiar.”
The second time; “OK, I’ve definitely heard this before. But that makes absolutely no sense. Where in the fuck would I have heard the ‘train-approaching’ warning for the Osaka Midosuji subway line?”
The third time; “Seriously. This is like I have a mosquito bite on my brain. Next time, really focus ok?”
The fourth time; “OK, I heard it while looking at a skyline. Pachinko Parlors. Evening. Setting sun.”
Then it hit me. It was the background sounds in the opening of “The Great Happiness Space” (the host club documentary I know I've mentioned on here before) as the camera pans over the skyline of Osaka. When I first saw the movie I had no idea what the sound was, I just assumed it was a pachinko parlor.
Here is the sound from my American parallel universe:
I have no idea why the realization was so powerful. Maybe it has something to do with the jingle itself? It’s so non-offensive, yet interesting. It's the public transportation jingle equivalent of having a Japanese woman in a pink pill box hat, matching pink skirt-suit, white gloves and bright red lipstick come up to you, lightly touch your arm and say (while smiling and gesturing down the track); "Why, excuse me sir the next train will be approaching within moments. Could you kindly stand behind the yellow line (while gesturing with the other gloved-hand)?"
AAAAnyway I was compelled to record it for myself. No doubt it’s probably unremarkable for you, especially if you haven’t seen the movie, and been in an Osaka subway station, and had to struggle to remember where you heard it.
But for me it is maybe my most tangible proof to myself that I’m actually in Japan. Of course I’ve been to other places that I’ve seen in travel shows or youtube videos, but this was way more powerful. Maybe because it was so personal. I mean, how many people have the Osaka subway jingle burned into their subconscious stemming from their unhealthy obsession with host clubs?
Yup, this jingle carries some serious baggage. It makes my skin tingle every time I hear it. If I play it for someone, they won’t understand at all and I’ll probably get two questions. First; “Why would you record the jingle on the Osaka subway?” Second; “Could you please stop crying, you’re making me uncomfortable.”
