Shattering The "Uniquely Japan" Myth

As part of the eloquent and fact-based reporting CNN had on the Japanese earthquake, there was an article which basically went on and on about the ‘uniqueness of the Japanese people’. It amazes me both how quickly this bullshit line is busted out and that it would make it beyond colloquial hearsay. But this is CNN we’re talking about.

In this particular case the Japanese were being “uniquely Japanese” by being so orderly and polite in the face of complete destruction. Fair enough. Maybe. I refuse to believe that absolutely no looting took place or that things never got heated in those 5 hour lines for water. Also in the face of mega-disasters most people become surprisingly selfless, in Japan or anywhere else. But if you come in already believing the Japanese are so unique, nothing is going to stop you from finding it.

However, if you ever need confirmation that “Hey, maybe this uniqueness thing is total bullshit” then head on over to the daily bento sale at your local Japanese high school. It’s a scene straight out of a Southeast Asian street market. The frenzied and focused grabbing for things that increase in importance exponentially only so the asshole next do you doesn’t get his hands on it.

It’s pretty much my reason for existence.

At first I was hesitant. Should I really push some 75 pound Japanese high school kid out of the way for some curry? After seeing that neither my sensei status nor my considerable size advantage garnered any respect from these vultures, the answer became a pissed of “Yes”.

The thoughts that race through my mind at the bento bazaar can be pretty vicious.

Let me paint the scene using my inner monologue:

“Ahh Christ, it’s raining today. So bento will be under the awning? Which means extremely crowded. Ok, I should get there a few minutes early.”

“How in the fuck do these jagoffs get here this fast? Is class over? Did the teachers let them out early? Fuckers.”

“Seriously. Stop standing in the doorway like a retarded deer and let me pass you dumbass.”

“Ok. Where’s the guy who sells curry? Please don’t be that creepy guy with the bad teeth who wants to practice English. Please, please…”

“Ah fuck, it’s him. Ok, don’t humor him.”

“Seriously kid, it’s not a life or death decision. Pick a goddamn bento and step the fuck aside. If that curry is gone before I get there I’m going to end you.”

“Ah you bitch, don’t even think about it. Don’t!”

“Seriously if the curry gets taken because this kid can’t make up his mind…”

“Yeah, ok. Dipshit behind me, you push me again and I’m going to give you such a dirty look I’ll make you cry on the spot. Where should I go? Talk to the indecisive asshole ahead of me.”

“Ha! Got it!”

“Ok, I’ve been standing here with my money jutting in your face, take it so I can get out of here.”

“I wonder what my face looks like. Do I appear as disgusted as I am?”

“Does he honestly not see my hand? It’s two inches from his face. Ok. She was definitely here after me. ‘the fuck?!”

“Finally, you fucktard.”

“Was that the same student I saw in the convenience store? Why does she act like such a creep when I see her?”

And….fin.

There’s nothing “uniquely Japanese” about it.

The Super-Mega-Biblical Typhoon

I have no idea why the weather excites me so much. It’s actually embarrassing.

And I think if a person is posting about the weather on a blog, it’s probably about time to call in the family and administer last rites.

Unless of course said person is blogging about a Super Typhoon.

The “Super” addition is official by the way, not my own embellishment (I could do better than “Super Typhoon”. Personally, I’m a fan of “Mega”. I think “Mega Typhoon” carries the weight they are looking for. Or perhaps “Biblical Typhoon”.)

In any case, Super-Mega-Biblical Typhoon Songda will be hitting Okinawa just in time for the weekend.

I once got into an argument with someone over the whole Typhoon vs. Hurricane vs. Cyclone thing. The argument revolved around which sounded more threatening. Cyclone was immediately ruled out. It sounds like something someone from Victorian England would say (coincidentally, the name is used in India).

The person settled with Hurricane. I couldn’t have disagreed more. When I think “Hurricane” I think of some local news reporter in a blindingly yellow rain coat with some beach grass blowing in the background. Or time lapses of some parking lot at night showing the rain falling through the light of the street lamps.

When I think of “Typhoon” I think of the storm from Jurassic Park that caused everything to go to shit. I think of that rain scene from Jumanji (though it was a monsoon…). Bottom line, “Typhoon” conjures up images both dangerous and exotic, exciting and Romantic. “Hurricane” doesn’t have nearly as many dimensions as “Typhoon”. That’s a fact.

And don’t get me started on “Super Typhoon”. It sounds like it should be the size of half of the Pacific, and swallow entire countries. (An exaggeration? Check this out) Compare that to “Major Hurricane”. Not even a contest. A “Major Hurricane” might blow over your beach umbrella. A “Super Typhoon” will send an oil tanker through your living room window.

As I write this (at work) it has already started to rain, and it is a little eerie to think that things will be deteriorating quite rapidly from here on out. I have a strong feeling Super Typhoon Songda may even blow the screens off of my balcony doors.

Probably because I broke them this week and intend to blame it on the typhoon when I tell my landlord on Monday.

A “Hurricane” could never be responsible for such damage.

A Match Made In Heaven

You know what's better than a royal wedding?

How about a wedding between AHS and THS!? I can't believe it. The universe is almost certainly going to implode.

That's right. Okinawa is about to have its very own marriage of lowly commoner and overprivileged royalty.

And Yours Truly has been invited. I think I've seen both teachers who are getting married a total of 7 times between them, and while I'm aware my invitation was simply a formality (as I'm pretty sure every teacher at both schools was invited), I wouldn't miss it. Though part of me wonders why you invite someone who doesn't speak the language; weddings are a somewhat social event.

Honest to God though. What are the odds? Off all the schools in Okinawa, the two teachers happen to be from the two schools I work at. I'm probably going to know more people than either the bride or groom know.

I feel like I'm the one getting married. And like every wedding, you've got the awkward side of the family no one really likes, and the cool, fun side of the family. I wonder what seating is going to be like? I'd be willing to bet that I get put with the teachers from the English department...but which one? This decision is going to dramatically affect the kind of night I have at the reception.

Will all the teachers from THS get drunk and take over the dance floor while the teachers from AHS stand with their arms folded, shaking their lowered heads in disapproval?

I certainly hope so.

An Accidental Post

Japanese society will always be a partial mystery to me. While it's easy to go down that awkward and terrible road of "Oh those Japanese are so mysterious! So unique! They've got it figured out, it's the West that's wrong!", don't worry, I'm not going there. It's stupid. Just that simple.

However it's equally stupid to say "All societies are fundamentally the same. We're all human after all!" This is only true in so far as we all like to eat and have sex, and I guess the most basic difference between societies is how they deal with and sanction these two most basic functions. Maybe from the sanctions revolving around these two basic (and fantastic) needs all of the other differences between societies fall naturally into place.

I think I just accidentally stumbled onto something really profound here. This isn't where I intended this post to go and I'm not really prepared to develop this idea any further, so I'll just post it like this and let y'all contemplate.

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Rebar and Other Qualifications For Academic High School

Much to my shame and disappointment, last weekend was the first chance I've had to get drunk with teachers from Technical High School.

As you may well imagine, and as I've hinted at, Academic and Technical High School are opposites in every way. And as I've recently found out, this includes the ability to party. Or hell, just socialize like people without the biggest, most jagged piece of rebar rammed up their asses.

I wonder, are the soulless and socially retarded simply drawn to Academic High School? Or is it a natural consequence of working here and endowing yourself with some sort of oblivious holy educational crusade? Chicken and The Egg I guess.

In any case, I won't be attending any more Academic High School Soirées. You see Academic and Technical High School Parties usually fell on the same day, leaving me to choose. I usually went with Academic just because they guilted me into making it seem obligatory. But no more. I never knew what I was missing!

The biggest difference, first and most critically, is the fact that there was not a sober person at the classy Technical High School function. And this was the first party, not the afterparties.

And there is nothing better than watching your Japanese coworkers get drunk. Personalities are suppressed to such an extreme degree in the workplace (though less so in Technical High School) that any display of a personality is newsworthy.

What continues to surprise me most is how much English everyone at Technical High School (ok, from now on, THS) knows, and how willing they are to try to talk with me. This couldn't be more different from Academic High School (AHS), where even at the goddamn English teachers' parties I'm treated like just the foreigner trophy to add prestige and cosmopolitanism to the affair. And we all know no sane person talks to their trophies.

Yet, at THS, everyone from English teachers to electrical and machinery teachers were more than willing to try to talk. While clearly no deep or profound conversations were had, it was enough to build rapport, and it shocks me just how different this is than AHS. It's like that rebar that is rammed up all of the asses of the teachers at AHS also causes them to have a crippling fear of both appearing inadequate and embarrassing others with lesser English ability. Not so at THS.

There's no real point in giving a tedious play-by-play, but I think one of the highlights came from Yours Truly, if I can humbly say so.

You see, by the time the new teachers were on stage giving their obligatory, canned welcome speeches, I was a little less, inhibited, shall we say? And the teacher I was with was even worse than I was.

So when some poor awkward guy goes to bow in front of the microphone before starting the speech, he smashes his face right into the microphone.

Naturally it was the most hysterical thing either of us had ever seen. To be fair to us, he was probably more drunk than we were. The problem was that no one thought it to be nearly as funny as we did. And the patter of polite laughter died long before we stopped finding it funny.

I don't know why. It was hysterical. The sound. The fact that it should seemingly happen all the time but doesn't, but finally did here. The fact that he continued like nothing happened. The fact that he rubbed his forehead right afterwards. Or maybe it's like "Dude, you're Japanese, shouldn't avoiding that kind of thing be so practiced and culturally ingrained that it never happens?" Well, it's burned into my mind and still makes me laugh.

Of course the alcohol had a lot to do with the hilarity, but so did the fact that we stupidly kept looking at each other. Had I been alone I would have laughed, but stopped when it got quiet. But when you're with another drunkard the laughter continues long after it's appropriate because you keep fueling each other's fire of drunken humiliation. It was memorable to be sure.

But clearly such behavior was noticed and not in a necessarily negative way as two separate teachers made a point to invite me to a welcome bowling party followed by drunken shenanigans at an izakaya. As it turns out there is a welcome party for AHS on the same day.

What a tough choice: sitting alone in silence with people I can't stand or drunken bowling followed by more drinking with people who actually talk and have a personality.

Hmmm....