Rebar and Other Qualifications For Academic High School

Much to my shame and disappointment, last weekend was the first chance I've had to get drunk with teachers from Technical High School.

As you may well imagine, and as I've hinted at, Academic and Technical High School are opposites in every way. And as I've recently found out, this includes the ability to party. Or hell, just socialize like people without the biggest, most jagged piece of rebar rammed up their asses.

I wonder, are the soulless and socially retarded simply drawn to Academic High School? Or is it a natural consequence of working here and endowing yourself with some sort of oblivious holy educational crusade? Chicken and The Egg I guess.

In any case, I won't be attending any more Academic High School Soirées. You see Academic and Technical High School Parties usually fell on the same day, leaving me to choose. I usually went with Academic just because they guilted me into making it seem obligatory. But no more. I never knew what I was missing!

The biggest difference, first and most critically, is the fact that there was not a sober person at the classy Technical High School function. And this was the first party, not the afterparties.

And there is nothing better than watching your Japanese coworkers get drunk. Personalities are suppressed to such an extreme degree in the workplace (though less so in Technical High School) that any display of a personality is newsworthy.

What continues to surprise me most is how much English everyone at Technical High School (ok, from now on, THS) knows, and how willing they are to try to talk with me. This couldn't be more different from Academic High School (AHS), where even at the goddamn English teachers' parties I'm treated like just the foreigner trophy to add prestige and cosmopolitanism to the affair. And we all know no sane person talks to their trophies.

Yet, at THS, everyone from English teachers to electrical and machinery teachers were more than willing to try to talk. While clearly no deep or profound conversations were had, it was enough to build rapport, and it shocks me just how different this is than AHS. It's like that rebar that is rammed up all of the asses of the teachers at AHS also causes them to have a crippling fear of both appearing inadequate and embarrassing others with lesser English ability. Not so at THS.

There's no real point in giving a tedious play-by-play, but I think one of the highlights came from Yours Truly, if I can humbly say so.

You see, by the time the new teachers were on stage giving their obligatory, canned welcome speeches, I was a little less, inhibited, shall we say? And the teacher I was with was even worse than I was.

So when some poor awkward guy goes to bow in front of the microphone before starting the speech, he smashes his face right into the microphone.

Naturally it was the most hysterical thing either of us had ever seen. To be fair to us, he was probably more drunk than we were. The problem was that no one thought it to be nearly as funny as we did. And the patter of polite laughter died long before we stopped finding it funny.

I don't know why. It was hysterical. The sound. The fact that it should seemingly happen all the time but doesn't, but finally did here. The fact that he continued like nothing happened. The fact that he rubbed his forehead right afterwards. Or maybe it's like "Dude, you're Japanese, shouldn't avoiding that kind of thing be so practiced and culturally ingrained that it never happens?" Well, it's burned into my mind and still makes me laugh.

Of course the alcohol had a lot to do with the hilarity, but so did the fact that we stupidly kept looking at each other. Had I been alone I would have laughed, but stopped when it got quiet. But when you're with another drunkard the laughter continues long after it's appropriate because you keep fueling each other's fire of drunken humiliation. It was memorable to be sure.

But clearly such behavior was noticed and not in a necessarily negative way as two separate teachers made a point to invite me to a welcome bowling party followed by drunken shenanigans at an izakaya. As it turns out there is a welcome party for AHS on the same day.

What a tough choice: sitting alone in silence with people I can't stand or drunken bowling followed by more drinking with people who actually talk and have a personality.

Hmmm....

74681

What's that seemingly random number you ask?

It's clearly not the number of posts on this blog.

Or the dollars in my bank account.

Or the yen in my bank account.

Or the times I've thought about burning down Academic High School.

Or even the ounces of alcohol I've drank since coming to Okinawa.

No, that would be the amount of my loans for my first year of med school.

In dollars, not yen mind you.

After utterly destroying my day, I quickly realized, "Well, I had better damn well thoroughly enjoy my last few months." And I renewed my pledge to come home with no more money than I arrived with. Because clearly, it's not going to make a shit of a difference.

Of course that doesn't even begin to make the situation cool, and it would be a lie if I denied that a significant part of me hopes the plane back to Chicago explodes somewhere over the Pacific.

But if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go buy something extremely expensive that I don't need, while I still can.

A Bullshit Vignette

It was a Friday afternoon and as tends to always happen, I get up to do my 'ahh the end of another mind-numbing day' stretch when a flood of students break into my office suddenly needing a "native check" of some critically important 100 word essay or bullshit journal entry on who their hero is. (I swear to God that's what they call it. That's my role at Academic School. The "native").

But what they had brought me was a stack of shit that was actually intended for another teacher. So I accepted it then brought it over to the teacher and explained what they were. I got the best look of stupidity combined with serious attitude I've ever gotten in Japan from this bitch. We had quite a problem. I was left standing here with this stack of papers, my dignity in shreds, and she was basically refusing to take them. I tried to explain yet again what this was and why it was intended for her, but it was only met with this blank, stupid, confrontational stare.

Having become a master of non-verbal communication since my time in Japan I verbally answered the question that she was non-verbally asking me. "I want you to take these, that's why I'm here." (Clearly, I've learned nothing about the virtues of being indirect.)

While it's true she was probably pissed that I basically did the same thing to her that these students did to me a few minutes ago, the last thing I needed was a fucking stare-down. After it became apparent that if she didn't take them from my hands they were going to end up on the floor as I walked out of her office, she thought better of it and accepted.

I Should Probably Learn People's Real Names.

I seriously am beginning to think that for a person to work at Academic High School a person must meet one of two qualifications. Either: a) be so thoroughly and completely socially fucked up that the only person needed to complete the scene would be Nurse Ratched or b) have the warm and approachable personality of a pissed off porcupine.

And, no surprise, the new teachers at Academic High School are proving to be a highly qualified batch indeed.

However, Technical High School also got a new crop, and they are post-worthy for entirely different reasons.

First we have new Vice Principal, who we will call Warden. Why? Well for a few reasons. First, he is a total douche. Second, you know the warden from "Shawshank Redemption"? Yeah, he has the same mannerisms, and same style of speech (in Japanese). Total. Douche. And I really have no choice but to call him Warden as he didn't raise his head or give me his name when we met. Though I must say, I do get my daily dose of entertainment from his constant self important shouting and exaggerated gesturing into the phone. What a fucking caricature.

Then we have Ikemen-sensei. I've never seen so many barren, middle aged, well-past-their-prime women so unashamedly hot and bothered over someone. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so disturbing. Admittedly, this new guy is Ikemen (as everyone reminds him), and is hands down the most attractive person in the staff room, but that's not saying much. Ok, fine. I'm just pissed that I'm no longer staff room Ikemen.

We also have a new guy in the English department, Mr. Terrifying Secret. He is so unremarkable and bland I really think he is at the wrong school. Someone should tell him he belongs at Academic High School. The prison for those without a personality is a few kilometers south of here pal. And true to belonging at Academic School, there is something that is ever so slightly 'off' about him. It's barely perceptible, which only makes it more terrifying. I'm leaning towards recovering from a nervous breakdown. Or who knows, maybe he's just your average weirdo; nothing deviant or dark, just mildly fucked up.

Sadly, we also lost a few characters at Technical High School as well.

Most devastating to me was the loss of Cinnamon. He didn't work in my office, but the clerical one. Where does the name come from you ask? Well... you see, working at Technical High School leaves me plenty of time to read (and analyze the shit out of everyone there). So one of my reads was "The Wind Up Bird Chronicle", which contained this character named Cinnamon. One day I passed Real Life Cinnamon when I suddenly realized, "Holy shit, he looks really familiar, why haven't I noticed this before?" I went back to reading the book at my desk, when I had another realization, "Holy shit, why do I have such a vivid image of what this character 'Cinnamon' looks like"? A few days later I saw Real Life Cinnamon again and made the connection. "Wow! It's Cinnamon!". I had such a vivid image of this character because I made him to look like this office worker. The character in this book is young and fashionable and never speaks, yet somehow everyone can understand him. There is something simultaneously calming and intimidating about him. Just like Real Life Cinnamon!

So there you have it: gained Warden, Ikemen-sensei, and Mr. Terrifying Secret, but lost Cinnamon.

I should probably spend less time reading and more time learning people's real names.

Best In Show

New teachers arrived today at Academic High School! I’m so excited! I get to be ignored by a whole new, fresh set of faces!

Everyone, perfectly groomed and looking their best, was paraded into morning meeting like the Westminster dog show. Except with a lot less obstacle course action. And a lot more bowing. But they’ll be trotting around on short leashes soon enough.

All the teachers just sat and clapped as each one entered the room, bowed and “yoroshiku”-ed themselves blue in the face. It was basically a formal sizing-people-up ceremony. It was definitely good to be in the audience and not be the one on display for a change.

Next was the English teachers lunch welcoming the new teachers. Any get together exclusively with the English teachers is a laugh-a-minute, but when it’s a midday lunch (Lasting for exactly one hour! Don’t even think about deviating from the schedule, you anarchist asshole!), with awkward introductions, with no alcohol, you know you’re in for a good time. Everyone introduced themselves, and as I’m prone to do, I forgot their names as soon as the sound waves reached my ears. But cut me some slack, I only just learned the names of the teachers who have been in the department the last 9 months. So basically, there is not a chance in hell that I will learn the new teachers’ names before I leave.

While part of me is legitimately excited to see a new round of teachers, primarily for the (likely false) hope that someone will turn out to be social and normal, another part of me doesn’t even want to bother with the new teachers and is genuinely annoyed. Building rapport, figuring out personalities, all that social shit. (Look at me, sounding like a real English teacher!) By the time I even begin to have a hint of such things it will be time to go. I don’t want to come across as cold with the teachers, and it’s not like I miss the teachers who left. It’s more of a practical thing than an emotional one.

I mean, how can I be expected to pick another Best In Show after only knowing the new dogs for 3 months? You can’t, that’s how.

Especially without an obstacle course.

Hey There! I Still Exist!

Writing something here feels like randomly calling a friend you haven't talked to in years.

What should I talk about? Will they even want to listen? Should I even bother?

In either case, there really isn't a legitimate reason for the lack of contact, it just kind of, happens.

So maybe the the first thing to take care of after false apologies and promising it will never happen again is maybe to recap the last crazy month, plus (in chronological order):

*Went whale watching. Apart from watching 80,000 lb. whales leap out of the water (twice!), I met some of the friendliest people I've run across since I've been here. Of course, such an experience deserves its own post, but let me sum up in two sentences. First, the whole whale watching experience is surprisingly unscientific and involves just as much whale chasing as whale watching. Second, more impressive than the sight of a humpback whale jumping out of the water is the sound of a humpback whale jumping out of (or more accurately, hitting) the water. Think: empty dump truck being dropped from an airplane into the water.

*Watched as my lovable delinquents from Industrial High School graduated. Much to my extreme disappointment there was a severe lack of crying or kimono. Even more to my extreme disappointment, the official graduation song was none other than the SMAP version:

Seriously, these guys are more of Japanese cultural fixture than the Emperor. (At the risk of losing the last fragment of respect you have for me, however, I will admit that the song has grown on me.)

*Then of course came March 11th. Appropriately or not, it reminded me heavily of September 11th. The out-of-nowhere factor. The fact that it was broadcast live making everyone feel that much more helpless. And the way that it made everyone else in the country reevaluate priorities. Treating it as just another bullet point is probably extremely inappropriate, but I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.

*Was reminded all over again why Academic High School makes me want to stab most people who work there in the brainstem.