Japan: Take Two

It always pained me that this blog had absolutely zero closure.

One second I'm talking about Tommy Lee Jones as an alien/host/perpetual shithead in a Japanese commercial, the next, I'm no where to be found.

Not even, a "hey, I'm leaving Japan. This blog is done." post. It would have taken literally a minute.

For all you know, I'm still in Japan, getting paid to google search for 8 hours a day, smile occasionally, and drink the other 16 hours.

Sadly (but happily for many of my organ systems), I am no longer in Japan.

At least until next week.

That's right, "I shall return.". Commodore Perry style.

What's that? Those are two different Western beach-stormers? From two entirely different eras?

But they both promised a good 'vanquishing' to those crazy Japanese; you can't expect me to keep track of any other trivial technicalities.

However, in true imperialist fashion, I'll probably learn nothing form past mistakes and this series won't have any closure either. Closure is just too, final.

So, you, anonymous reader, are certainly entitled to the details of my triumphant return.

After finishing my first year of medical school this Friday (and I'm 1/4 MD) I will be celebrating such an accomplishment by leaving for Japan next Wednesday.

It is here I will remain until mid-July. I'll be: a) Consuming so much delicious fish I'm nearly begging those Sea Shepard assholes to come after me, b) being generally useless, and c) engaging in the most cherished of Japanese national pastimes; getting plastered and passing out somewhere in public.

Other than that, my agenda is pretty wide open. Mainly just visiting some temples and izakayas (more izakayas than temples, obviously).

Just like old times.

Boss, Indeed

I of course have not forgotten about my love of Japanese Pop Culture. But honestly, contemplating why exactly gyaru-o shave, then redraw their eyebrows, or how so much perfectly proportioned beauty can be packed into the one person known as Takuya Kimura really doesn't seem appropriate after Biblical destruction.

But I will make the exception for this.

Please check out the others in the series. It is actually an interesting glimpse into the fundamental aspects of Japanese society. Like host clubs and karaoke and the revolving door of politicians.

Shattering The "Uniquely Japan" Myth

As part of the eloquent and fact-based reporting CNN had on the Japanese earthquake, there was an article which basically went on and on about the ‘uniqueness of the Japanese people’. It amazes me both how quickly this bullshit line is busted out and that it would make it beyond colloquial hearsay. But this is CNN we’re talking about.

In this particular case the Japanese were being “uniquely Japanese” by being so orderly and polite in the face of complete destruction. Fair enough. Maybe. I refuse to believe that absolutely no looting took place or that things never got heated in those 5 hour lines for water. Also in the face of mega-disasters most people become surprisingly selfless, in Japan or anywhere else. But if you come in already believing the Japanese are so unique, nothing is going to stop you from finding it.

However, if you ever need confirmation that “Hey, maybe this uniqueness thing is total bullshit” then head on over to the daily bento sale at your local Japanese high school. It’s a scene straight out of a Southeast Asian street market. The frenzied and focused grabbing for things that increase in importance exponentially only so the asshole next do you doesn’t get his hands on it.

It’s pretty much my reason for existence.

At first I was hesitant. Should I really push some 75 pound Japanese high school kid out of the way for some curry? After seeing that neither my sensei status nor my considerable size advantage garnered any respect from these vultures, the answer became a pissed of “Yes”.

The thoughts that race through my mind at the bento bazaar can be pretty vicious.

Let me paint the scene using my inner monologue:

“Ahh Christ, it’s raining today. So bento will be under the awning? Which means extremely crowded. Ok, I should get there a few minutes early.”

“How in the fuck do these jagoffs get here this fast? Is class over? Did the teachers let them out early? Fuckers.”

“Seriously. Stop standing in the doorway like a retarded deer and let me pass you dumbass.”

“Ok. Where’s the guy who sells curry? Please don’t be that creepy guy with the bad teeth who wants to practice English. Please, please…”

“Ah fuck, it’s him. Ok, don’t humor him.”

“Seriously kid, it’s not a life or death decision. Pick a goddamn bento and step the fuck aside. If that curry is gone before I get there I’m going to end you.”

“Ah you bitch, don’t even think about it. Don’t!”

“Seriously if the curry gets taken because this kid can’t make up his mind…”

“Yeah, ok. Dipshit behind me, you push me again and I’m going to give you such a dirty look I’ll make you cry on the spot. Where should I go? Talk to the indecisive asshole ahead of me.”

“Ha! Got it!”

“Ok, I’ve been standing here with my money jutting in your face, take it so I can get out of here.”

“I wonder what my face looks like. Do I appear as disgusted as I am?”

“Does he honestly not see my hand? It’s two inches from his face. Ok. She was definitely here after me. ‘the fuck?!”

“Finally, you fucktard.”

“Was that the same student I saw in the convenience store? Why does she act like such a creep when I see her?”

And….fin.

There’s nothing “uniquely Japanese” about it.

The Super-Mega-Biblical Typhoon

I have no idea why the weather excites me so much. It’s actually embarrassing.

And I think if a person is posting about the weather on a blog, it’s probably about time to call in the family and administer last rites.

Unless of course said person is blogging about a Super Typhoon.

The “Super” addition is official by the way, not my own embellishment (I could do better than “Super Typhoon”. Personally, I’m a fan of “Mega”. I think “Mega Typhoon” carries the weight they are looking for. Or perhaps “Biblical Typhoon”.)

In any case, Super-Mega-Biblical Typhoon Songda will be hitting Okinawa just in time for the weekend.

I once got into an argument with someone over the whole Typhoon vs. Hurricane vs. Cyclone thing. The argument revolved around which sounded more threatening. Cyclone was immediately ruled out. It sounds like something someone from Victorian England would say (coincidentally, the name is used in India).

The person settled with Hurricane. I couldn’t have disagreed more. When I think “Hurricane” I think of some local news reporter in a blindingly yellow rain coat with some beach grass blowing in the background. Or time lapses of some parking lot at night showing the rain falling through the light of the street lamps.

When I think of “Typhoon” I think of the storm from Jurassic Park that caused everything to go to shit. I think of that rain scene from Jumanji (though it was a monsoon…). Bottom line, “Typhoon” conjures up images both dangerous and exotic, exciting and Romantic. “Hurricane” doesn’t have nearly as many dimensions as “Typhoon”. That’s a fact.

And don’t get me started on “Super Typhoon”. It sounds like it should be the size of half of the Pacific, and swallow entire countries. (An exaggeration? Check this out) Compare that to “Major Hurricane”. Not even a contest. A “Major Hurricane” might blow over your beach umbrella. A “Super Typhoon” will send an oil tanker through your living room window.

As I write this (at work) it has already started to rain, and it is a little eerie to think that things will be deteriorating quite rapidly from here on out. I have a strong feeling Super Typhoon Songda may even blow the screens off of my balcony doors.

Probably because I broke them this week and intend to blame it on the typhoon when I tell my landlord on Monday.

A “Hurricane” could never be responsible for such damage.

A Match Made In Heaven

You know what's better than a royal wedding?

How about a wedding between AHS and THS!? I can't believe it. The universe is almost certainly going to implode.

That's right. Okinawa is about to have its very own marriage of lowly commoner and overprivileged royalty.

And Yours Truly has been invited. I think I've seen both teachers who are getting married a total of 7 times between them, and while I'm aware my invitation was simply a formality (as I'm pretty sure every teacher at both schools was invited), I wouldn't miss it. Though part of me wonders why you invite someone who doesn't speak the language; weddings are a somewhat social event.

Honest to God though. What are the odds? Off all the schools in Okinawa, the two teachers happen to be from the two schools I work at. I'm probably going to know more people than either the bride or groom know.

I feel like I'm the one getting married. And like every wedding, you've got the awkward side of the family no one really likes, and the cool, fun side of the family. I wonder what seating is going to be like? I'd be willing to bet that I get put with the teachers from the English department...but which one? This decision is going to dramatically affect the kind of night I have at the reception.

Will all the teachers from THS get drunk and take over the dance floor while the teachers from AHS stand with their arms folded, shaking their lowered heads in disapproval?

I certainly hope so.