Party In The USA...Kind-Of...Basically...

I definitely can't help cringing when I watch this video. Not for the obvious reason of the guy who is way too comfortable being Miley Cyrus, but for the fact that they're singing "Party in The USA" in another sovereign country that has basically been commandeered.

But it's ok! Party in the "USA"! It really is borderline propaganda. It totally gives off the vibe of "Hey! You outsiders/critics don't know what you're talking about! Okinawans love having 20% of their land stolen and playing host to 75% of the US troops in Japan!"

I wonder if the group of Americans hijacking major intersections waving the American flag for the sake of a Youtube video is meant to be symbolic? Or just unimaginably ironic? To their credit, they do include waving the Japanese flag around, but that just makes it seem all the more like, "See, Japan is totally cool with it too."

That said, I think I like the video, partly because I can go "Oh Hey! I know that place!" and partly because the people who made it seem blissfully unaware of how inflammatory it could be. Or maybe they did and that was their point? That's probably giving them too much credit.

This video honestly blows my mind. I don't use that phrase too often, but seriously, there are so many layers to this video you could study it for a semester in university.

And you know what? For those of you who haven't been to Okinawa, it's not even a good crash course/tour. Don't get your hopes up.

Naturally, they stick basically to the American sections.

You Can't Be A Celebrity Without Scandal

It seems like the last week or two have been filled with one social catastrophe after another. But for your sanity and mine, allow me to detail only two of the more interesting ones.

First was a combination New Year's/Teacher's Marriage party only among the English teachers at the Academic High School. At best it was going to be a night of awkward silence and boredom, at worst it could definitely be one alcohol-induced embarrassment after another.

It was actually a combination of the two. Actually, it was more like the first led to the second. These parties are notoriously boring. I mean, can you imagine the high school Spanish department throwing crazy parties? Of course not, language teachers are losers (I mean that lovingly of course).

It is seriously shocking just how little English is spoken when a bunch of English teachers get together. I've had more engaging conversations with the gym teachers. I've been told it's because none of the teachers want to show off their ability in front of the others, and possibly shame someone else. Whatever the reason, I'd rather sit through a 3 day seminar on the latest changes to the 2010 tax code led by Ben Stein in excruciating detail than go to an English-teacher-only teacher's party.

Anyway, for reasons I've still yet to figure out, just about every teacher at the Academic High School thinks I'm a hopeless alcoholic, so I needed to make sure not to disappoint. So basically I spent the night trying (and failing) to match drinks with another teacher. I'm sure this did nothing to help my alcohol-soaked reputation. But trust me, having a glass of beer in the company of English teachers pretty much qualifies you as an alcoholic.

So, with my reputation now wholly solidified, the other drunkard amongst the English teachers suggested karaoke. I said fine, and three other (sober) teachers joined us. Karaoke is not my thing, but I go if the peer pressure gets to me. To make a long story short, the whole thing was incredibly awkward and we ended up losing one of the teachers.

With that weekend of awkwardness behind me it was time to start a week of sideways glances and eyes cast down.

But if that was it, that wouldn't really be post-worthy would it?

No no, my students were also kind enough to create social catastrophe number two. You see, apparently just about every student at Technical High School had seen me at the shrine on New Years.

I think I almost passed out when they mentioned the shrine's name, because I knew immediately where it was going. "In the name of all that is holy and sacred, if they saw the New Year's Groping Incident..."

But no, they were much more concerned with my company. I was with two other ALT's. Female ALT's to be precise. And naturally their imaginations got completely and inappropriately out of hand. As expected, no one was having any of my entirely innocent explanation (which was true, as the people I was with will surely tell you faster than I would). While this unsurprisingly earned me the eternal admiration of the male students (how they can't say "How are you" but somehow know the word "Playboy" is beyond me...).

The reaction among the girls was decidedly less admiring. They weren't disgusted or making fun of me about it, but were genuinely devastated by it. I now totally understand why the teenage male idols here are so carefully controlled, and are portrayed as perpetually single. It's freakish just how fast teenage girls' burning obsession can turn to stone-coldness. While this is probably for the better, I don't like losing my adoring fans, no matter how fucking crazy they are.

Maybe what shocked me more than the freakish turn of opinions was just how fast the news spread. Every class I walked into knew that I had apparently gone to the shrine on New Years with women on each arm.

Surely not every student was at the shrine. Which means I am the topic of hallway and lunchtime conversation way more than makes me comfortable. I brought this up to a teacher and she's like "Oh yeah, they always talk about how they see you at *this store* or *this restaurant*."

This is genuinely terrifying. It's like fighting a guerrilla war. They're everywhere around me, reporting back about me but I can't separate them from the civilians, and adjust my behavior (or avoid these locations entirely) accordingly. And you know? If they're constantly seeing me, can't they properly identify themselves, as the Rules of Engagement demand? Can't they extend me that most basic of courtesies?

So there you have it: A drunken outcast at one school and a hero/celebrity fallen from grace at the other.

Pop Culture Tuesdays XIX

In honor of restarting these posts, let's look at a band that I'm a little ashamed to like...

Perfume!

I think this blog has been pretty good about avoiding the trap of generalizations, but I'm going to end that right now by saying that if you go to karaoke with at least one Japanese person they are going to sing a Perfume song. I don't know what it is, but it's like this group sets out only to make legendary karaoke songs.

Anyway I'm posting this particular video so I can make yet more generalizations!

For you see, this video also serves as a crash course in Japanese Women, their mannerisms, and aura. The constant wearing of heels, the excessive and deliberate cuteness, the supernatural ability to always appear put together, and let's not forget the ability to float down from the sky.

Or maybe it's more accurate to say that this is what all Japanese women secretly strive to be and view themselves as. It's like this video (and Japanese women) embrace all of the stereotypes on women and say, "Yeah, so?"

Now, now, don't mistake this as my having a thing for Japanese women. I really don't. I just like their sanity-crushing attention to their appearance, that's all.

Also compare this to AKB48 (see past Pop Post). While the emphasis on cuteness is clear in both videos, I think it's safe to say this one seems a little more mature and less embarrassing to watch.

Perfume: cuteness tempered with class.

If you don't absolutely hate this, I suggest watching some of their other videos. Apart from mastering the ability to create the perfect karaoke song, they also have freakishly perfect synchronization and make it look completely effortless...

Hmm, more generalizations applicable to Japanese women.

See how informative Pop Culture can be!?

The Little Victories

After having pissed away shameful amounts of time and money investing in baths, I just made an amazing discovery.

My air conditioner is, in fact, also a heater.

Or maybe more to the point, I have also figured out how to work it.

This is monumental.

I just thought I needed to shout that into the empty well, you know?

It's OK, I'm A Rich English Teacher, I Can Take Baths

I can't really decide if this is a TMI post. (Actually I guess I have considering the fact that it's posted.)

I mean, inherent in bathing is nudity. I'll try to be 'adult' about it...

Why am I writing about bathing? Because I clearly am having difficulty coming up with material? Because it could be a 'teach-able moment' (remember that bullshit phrase?)? Yes.

So, it's been insanely cold in Okinawa. A bitter 50 degrees-ish. I don't know exactly since I've been converted to Celsius, meters, and left-sided driving.

Though you are justified in laughing at me for complaining about a bitter 50 degrees. Trust me, it feels unbearably cold, especially when no buildings in Okinawa have heat. Getting up in the morning is such a nightmare, though I'm getting scientific about creating the absolute minimum amount of time between 'under blankets' and 'in shower'.

So, I've heard one of the best methods to deal with the cold without heating is to take a bath. And my bathing habits are not usually blog-post worthy, but when you bathe Japanese style, trust me, it's worth writing about.

Admittedly, this isn't my first Japanese bathing experience, my first was in a public bath in Tokyo...and that is an inappropriate blog topic.

So, as you may know the most important rule is to bathe before getting in the bath. You idiot.

Thankfully my apartment has a room solely dedicated to the shower/bath. Trust me, this is critical. Second most important is to get over any image issues and learn to enjoy squatting naked on stools while hosing yourself down like an elephant (not to exacerbate those body issues...).

Once clean, ease yourself into the bath, which must be painfully hot. For maximum enjoyment, the temperature difference between bath water and air temperature should be as great as possible. I suggest opening the windows of the apartment.

Baths are a bit of an anomaly in Japan. I seriously think they are deeper than they are long. And it's surprisingly not uncomfortable. Can I suggest a position like you're making a 'U' with your body? No? Ok then, sit with your legs crossed.

I'm not really the bathing type so once I was in I had no idea what to do with myself. Do I just sit here bored and naked? That seems like I'm asking for trouble...

Do I fall asleep? Do I get drunk? Do I read?

Traditionally, the bath is filled once and all the members of the house share the water (hence the importance of being clean before entering), but I don't see how this works since the water gets cold surprisingly fast. Once I had my fill I pulled the plug, while still in the bath. Which is what I imagine dying must feel like. Or interestingly, being born too I suppose.

Now I was naked and sitting inappropriately in an empty bathtub. It was time to get out. It's surprising how it was entirely fine a minute ago, but without water, was completely disturbing. Actually it was more like 5 minutes ago; yeah that's how deep the bath is. And it takes an honest 25 minutes to fill 3/4.

So draining that was definitely representative of death. Namely my financial death when I get the next gas bill.

But it's not a lie, I was warm (and bright, lobster red) the rest of the night.

My Fortune Is Coming True Already!

"Past their best are the cherry blossoms in the garden, falling to the ground with the rain in the setting sun."

That's what 2011's got in store for me. Also, I can expect "unexpected misfortunes". Hmm. Though, now that I know the potential for misfortune, will it still be unexpected? Finally I need to be careful and exercise more control and restraint...

I can't disagree with that last part...

In any case, the good folks at my local Shinto shrine aren't instilling me with great faith for a fantastic 2011. Maybe it's comeuppance for my 2010?

Anyway, warnings for disappointment and calamity aside, my pious visit to a shrine on New Year's was quite an experience.

The piousness started at the local bar.

I generally try to make it a point to avoid foreigner bars (for reasons that I won't hijack this post with), and I was reminded all over again why I took such solemn vows. Especially on an island playing host to 40,000 square-headed assclowns from Backwater Tennessee or Bumblefuck Indiana with such a palpable air of swagger they make anywhere they go feel like the Wild West (in a very, very bad way).

Once a group of what seemed like 100 of these anonymous modern cowboys walked in and turned the bar into the local saloon, it was time to go. But not before I was completely awestruck by how interchangeable they are. Not just because of the haircuts; they seriously were all about the same height, had the same facial features, and same mannerisms. And let's not forget the girlfriends, who were all like replicas from some kinky science fiction movie. Namely blinding trailer trash blond hair, giant chests, and deafening laughs. I totally expected "Sweet Home Alabama" to start playing in the background.

Most of us were mildly drunk, so when we all exchanged 'Let's get the fuck out of here' glances no one was especially disappointed.

It was decided that to do New Year's right we needed to head to the nearest Shinto shrine. We headed to the monorail station, where, lo and behold! one of my students was seemingly waiting for the sole purpose of seeing me drunk. He is one of the few students I like at the Academic High School, and can remember. Probably because of his hair that is straight out of Dragon Ball Z. In any case he was with what I'm assuming to be a girlfriend, I was also with female companions, and The Man Code seems to be the same in any country and across all ages. (Read: We completely, but obviously trying too hard, managed to 'ignore' each other).

After that potential for disaster was (possibly) averted, it was time to head to the shrine. It was basically like a carnival mixed with a religious service. It had just the right amount of reflection and fun. It was probably my favorite New Year's so far. And serving alcohol at a 'religious' function is never a bad thing.

Or maybe it is. For you see, as I was standing with the masses getting ready to do the clapping and coin throwing, I was also experiencing the other Great Japanese Tradition: Groping.

At first, it was simply pressure on my back. OK, it's crowded here, no problem. Though I thought it odd when the pressure didn't move. Usually when pressed up against someone, you shift to let the person know you are at least making the appearance of trying to avoid this exact situation. I just let it go and stood my ground. Which was clearly my biggest mistake because it was obviously interpreted as a sign of "It's OK, I like it." Next thing I know, I have, what I'm hoping to be a hand, moving back and forth across my waist.

I wish I could have seen my face the moment I realized what was going on. My eyes must have been bigger than the 500 yen coins in that offering box. Yet, once I knew what was going on, truth be told, I didn't stop it right away. First because I wanted to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Second because I wanted to consciously remember my first Japanese groping. And third, because it would be a lie if I said I didn't like it, at least a little bit.

Finally though it was time to put an end to it. The only way this was going any further was if I was getting a substantial offering thrown at me. And although it was way too crowded for anyone to notice, I wasn't about to risk it.

So I cleared my throat, and moved closer to the people I came with, signaling 'Hey, I'm with them.' and the fun was over.

Maybe to call it 'groping' is needlessly exciting. There was definitely conscious and erotic contact, but there was a disappointing lack of actual aggressive grabbing. No ass squeezing, no cupping, and the whole thing lasted maybe two minutes.

I ended it before I really had a chance to fully appreciate, ahem, absorb the whole thing.

Oh well, like "...the cherry blossoms in the garden, falling to the ground with the rain in the setting sun." I guess.