You Can't Be A Celebrity Without Scandal

It seems like the last week or two have been filled with one social catastrophe after another. But for your sanity and mine, allow me to detail only two of the more interesting ones.

First was a combination New Year's/Teacher's Marriage party only among the English teachers at the Academic High School. At best it was going to be a night of awkward silence and boredom, at worst it could definitely be one alcohol-induced embarrassment after another.

It was actually a combination of the two. Actually, it was more like the first led to the second. These parties are notoriously boring. I mean, can you imagine the high school Spanish department throwing crazy parties? Of course not, language teachers are losers (I mean that lovingly of course).

It is seriously shocking just how little English is spoken when a bunch of English teachers get together. I've had more engaging conversations with the gym teachers. I've been told it's because none of the teachers want to show off their ability in front of the others, and possibly shame someone else. Whatever the reason, I'd rather sit through a 3 day seminar on the latest changes to the 2010 tax code led by Ben Stein in excruciating detail than go to an English-teacher-only teacher's party.

Anyway, for reasons I've still yet to figure out, just about every teacher at the Academic High School thinks I'm a hopeless alcoholic, so I needed to make sure not to disappoint. So basically I spent the night trying (and failing) to match drinks with another teacher. I'm sure this did nothing to help my alcohol-soaked reputation. But trust me, having a glass of beer in the company of English teachers pretty much qualifies you as an alcoholic.

So, with my reputation now wholly solidified, the other drunkard amongst the English teachers suggested karaoke. I said fine, and three other (sober) teachers joined us. Karaoke is not my thing, but I go if the peer pressure gets to me. To make a long story short, the whole thing was incredibly awkward and we ended up losing one of the teachers.

With that weekend of awkwardness behind me it was time to start a week of sideways glances and eyes cast down.

But if that was it, that wouldn't really be post-worthy would it?

No no, my students were also kind enough to create social catastrophe number two. You see, apparently just about every student at Technical High School had seen me at the shrine on New Years.

I think I almost passed out when they mentioned the shrine's name, because I knew immediately where it was going. "In the name of all that is holy and sacred, if they saw the New Year's Groping Incident..."

But no, they were much more concerned with my company. I was with two other ALT's. Female ALT's to be precise. And naturally their imaginations got completely and inappropriately out of hand. As expected, no one was having any of my entirely innocent explanation (which was true, as the people I was with will surely tell you faster than I would). While this unsurprisingly earned me the eternal admiration of the male students (how they can't say "How are you" but somehow know the word "Playboy" is beyond me...).

The reaction among the girls was decidedly less admiring. They weren't disgusted or making fun of me about it, but were genuinely devastated by it. I now totally understand why the teenage male idols here are so carefully controlled, and are portrayed as perpetually single. It's freakish just how fast teenage girls' burning obsession can turn to stone-coldness. While this is probably for the better, I don't like losing my adoring fans, no matter how fucking crazy they are.

Maybe what shocked me more than the freakish turn of opinions was just how fast the news spread. Every class I walked into knew that I had apparently gone to the shrine on New Years with women on each arm.

Surely not every student was at the shrine. Which means I am the topic of hallway and lunchtime conversation way more than makes me comfortable. I brought this up to a teacher and she's like "Oh yeah, they always talk about how they see you at *this store* or *this restaurant*."

This is genuinely terrifying. It's like fighting a guerrilla war. They're everywhere around me, reporting back about me but I can't separate them from the civilians, and adjust my behavior (or avoid these locations entirely) accordingly. And you know? If they're constantly seeing me, can't they properly identify themselves, as the Rules of Engagement demand? Can't they extend me that most basic of courtesies?

So there you have it: A drunken outcast at one school and a hero/celebrity fallen from grace at the other.