What do Cup Ramen, Deodorant, and Leather Goods Have in Common?

I was in the grocery store the other day when I looked down at my basket and thought “What is all this shit? What was I thinking when I put this in my basket??” While some were things I really didn’t need, some others were things I needed but brands I never use, but for whatever reason decided I needed to have that day.

So I went back through the store, retracing my steps as I put the needless shit back. Cup Ramen. Potato Chips I don’t even like. A cosmetic product I never use. A flavor of gum that seemed like a needless risk.

By the time I got to the gum I looked up and I was eye to eye with Professional Pretty Boy Takuya Kimura. “Wow, this asshole will whore his perfectly proportioned face for just about anything huh?” I thought with a slightly jealous (but pretending to be better than him) smirk.

I continued with my shopping contemplating how unfair it is that anyone should look like that and wondering what he really looks like without pounds of make-up and perfect lighting, when I noticed, “Seriously. This guy is everywhere.

Cup Ramen:

Potato Chips I don’t even like.

A cosmetic product I never use:

A flavor of gum that seemed like a needless risk…”

“Oh shit.”

“They got me. Those sneaky bastards got me and I didn’t even know it!!!”

“Damn you marketing conglomerates with your cheap and totally not subtle techniques. But most of all damn you Takuya Kimura and your unholy beauty!”

I don’t remember thinking that I should buy said products because Takuya Kimura was on or near the product. But clearly the connection cannot be denied. And really though. Does the man need to advertise chocolate, hair products, gum, chips, cup ramen, and everything else? Can’t he just stick to being in one of the most successful Japanese bands ever and being a movie star? Clearly he doesn’t give a flying fuck about over-exposure or becoming the Proctor and Gamble equivalent of product spokesperson.

I mean, how many people do you know who whore for 98 yen cup ramen then turn around and pose with Beyonce for $500 handbags?

Then sell out 60,000 seat stadiums with barely mediocre singing?

Not that I'm jealous or anything.

(Look at this shit!! This basically turned into a Takuya Kimura homage didn't it?! Damn him; getting fabulously wealthy based on nothing other than a favorable combination of genes!)