Boss, Indeed

I of course have not forgotten about my love of Japanese Pop Culture. But honestly, contemplating why exactly gyaru-o shave, then redraw their eyebrows, or how so much perfectly proportioned beauty can be packed into the one person known as Takuya Kimura really doesn't seem appropriate after Biblical destruction.

But I will make the exception for this.

Please check out the others in the series. It is actually an interesting glimpse into the fundamental aspects of Japanese society. Like host clubs and karaoke and the revolving door of politicians.

Shattering The "Uniquely Japan" Myth

As part of the eloquent and fact-based reporting CNN had on the Japanese earthquake, there was an article which basically went on and on about the ‘uniqueness of the Japanese people’. It amazes me both how quickly this bullshit line is busted out and that it would make it beyond colloquial hearsay. But this is CNN we’re talking about.

In this particular case the Japanese were being “uniquely Japanese” by being so orderly and polite in the face of complete destruction. Fair enough. Maybe. I refuse to believe that absolutely no looting took place or that things never got heated in those 5 hour lines for water. Also in the face of mega-disasters most people become surprisingly selfless, in Japan or anywhere else. But if you come in already believing the Japanese are so unique, nothing is going to stop you from finding it.

However, if you ever need confirmation that “Hey, maybe this uniqueness thing is total bullshit” then head on over to the daily bento sale at your local Japanese high school. It’s a scene straight out of a Southeast Asian street market. The frenzied and focused grabbing for things that increase in importance exponentially only so the asshole next do you doesn’t get his hands on it.

It’s pretty much my reason for existence.

At first I was hesitant. Should I really push some 75 pound Japanese high school kid out of the way for some curry? After seeing that neither my sensei status nor my considerable size advantage garnered any respect from these vultures, the answer became a pissed of “Yes”.

The thoughts that race through my mind at the bento bazaar can be pretty vicious.

Let me paint the scene using my inner monologue:

“Ahh Christ, it’s raining today. So bento will be under the awning? Which means extremely crowded. Ok, I should get there a few minutes early.”

“How in the fuck do these jagoffs get here this fast? Is class over? Did the teachers let them out early? Fuckers.”

“Seriously. Stop standing in the doorway like a retarded deer and let me pass you dumbass.”

“Ok. Where’s the guy who sells curry? Please don’t be that creepy guy with the bad teeth who wants to practice English. Please, please…”

“Ah fuck, it’s him. Ok, don’t humor him.”

“Seriously kid, it’s not a life or death decision. Pick a goddamn bento and step the fuck aside. If that curry is gone before I get there I’m going to end you.”

“Ah you bitch, don’t even think about it. Don’t!”

“Seriously if the curry gets taken because this kid can’t make up his mind…”

“Yeah, ok. Dipshit behind me, you push me again and I’m going to give you such a dirty look I’ll make you cry on the spot. Where should I go? Talk to the indecisive asshole ahead of me.”

“Ha! Got it!”

“Ok, I’ve been standing here with my money jutting in your face, take it so I can get out of here.”

“I wonder what my face looks like. Do I appear as disgusted as I am?”

“Does he honestly not see my hand? It’s two inches from his face. Ok. She was definitely here after me. ‘the fuck?!”

“Finally, you fucktard.”

“Was that the same student I saw in the convenience store? Why does she act like such a creep when I see her?”

And….fin.

There’s nothing “uniquely Japanese” about it.

The Super-Mega-Biblical Typhoon

I have no idea why the weather excites me so much. It’s actually embarrassing.

And I think if a person is posting about the weather on a blog, it’s probably about time to call in the family and administer last rites.

Unless of course said person is blogging about a Super Typhoon.

The “Super” addition is official by the way, not my own embellishment (I could do better than “Super Typhoon”. Personally, I’m a fan of “Mega”. I think “Mega Typhoon” carries the weight they are looking for. Or perhaps “Biblical Typhoon”.)

In any case, Super-Mega-Biblical Typhoon Songda will be hitting Okinawa just in time for the weekend.

I once got into an argument with someone over the whole Typhoon vs. Hurricane vs. Cyclone thing. The argument revolved around which sounded more threatening. Cyclone was immediately ruled out. It sounds like something someone from Victorian England would say (coincidentally, the name is used in India).

The person settled with Hurricane. I couldn’t have disagreed more. When I think “Hurricane” I think of some local news reporter in a blindingly yellow rain coat with some beach grass blowing in the background. Or time lapses of some parking lot at night showing the rain falling through the light of the street lamps.

When I think of “Typhoon” I think of the storm from Jurassic Park that caused everything to go to shit. I think of that rain scene from Jumanji (though it was a monsoon…). Bottom line, “Typhoon” conjures up images both dangerous and exotic, exciting and Romantic. “Hurricane” doesn’t have nearly as many dimensions as “Typhoon”. That’s a fact.

And don’t get me started on “Super Typhoon”. It sounds like it should be the size of half of the Pacific, and swallow entire countries. (An exaggeration? Check this out) Compare that to “Major Hurricane”. Not even a contest. A “Major Hurricane” might blow over your beach umbrella. A “Super Typhoon” will send an oil tanker through your living room window.

As I write this (at work) it has already started to rain, and it is a little eerie to think that things will be deteriorating quite rapidly from here on out. I have a strong feeling Super Typhoon Songda may even blow the screens off of my balcony doors.

Probably because I broke them this week and intend to blame it on the typhoon when I tell my landlord on Monday.

A “Hurricane” could never be responsible for such damage.

A Match Made In Heaven

You know what's better than a royal wedding?

How about a wedding between AHS and THS!? I can't believe it. The universe is almost certainly going to implode.

That's right. Okinawa is about to have its very own marriage of lowly commoner and overprivileged royalty.

And Yours Truly has been invited. I think I've seen both teachers who are getting married a total of 7 times between them, and while I'm aware my invitation was simply a formality (as I'm pretty sure every teacher at both schools was invited), I wouldn't miss it. Though part of me wonders why you invite someone who doesn't speak the language; weddings are a somewhat social event.

Honest to God though. What are the odds? Off all the schools in Okinawa, the two teachers happen to be from the two schools I work at. I'm probably going to know more people than either the bride or groom know.

I feel like I'm the one getting married. And like every wedding, you've got the awkward side of the family no one really likes, and the cool, fun side of the family. I wonder what seating is going to be like? I'd be willing to bet that I get put with the teachers from the English department...but which one? This decision is going to dramatically affect the kind of night I have at the reception.

Will all the teachers from THS get drunk and take over the dance floor while the teachers from AHS stand with their arms folded, shaking their lowered heads in disapproval?

I certainly hope so.

An Accidental Post

Japanese society will always be a partial mystery to me. While it's easy to go down that awkward and terrible road of "Oh those Japanese are so mysterious! So unique! They've got it figured out, it's the West that's wrong!", don't worry, I'm not going there. It's stupid. Just that simple.

However it's equally stupid to say "All societies are fundamentally the same. We're all human after all!" This is only true in so far as we all like to eat and have sex, and I guess the most basic difference between societies is how they deal with and sanction these two most basic functions. Maybe from the sanctions revolving around these two basic (and fantastic) needs all of the other differences between societies fall naturally into place.

I think I just accidentally stumbled onto something really profound here. This isn't where I intended this post to go and I'm not really prepared to develop this idea any further, so I'll just post it like this and let y'all contemplate.

.

Rebar and Other Qualifications For Academic High School

Much to my shame and disappointment, last weekend was the first chance I've had to get drunk with teachers from Technical High School.

As you may well imagine, and as I've hinted at, Academic and Technical High School are opposites in every way. And as I've recently found out, this includes the ability to party. Or hell, just socialize like people without the biggest, most jagged piece of rebar rammed up their asses.

I wonder, are the soulless and socially retarded simply drawn to Academic High School? Or is it a natural consequence of working here and endowing yourself with some sort of oblivious holy educational crusade? Chicken and The Egg I guess.

In any case, I won't be attending any more Academic High School Soirées. You see Academic and Technical High School Parties usually fell on the same day, leaving me to choose. I usually went with Academic just because they guilted me into making it seem obligatory. But no more. I never knew what I was missing!

The biggest difference, first and most critically, is the fact that there was not a sober person at the classy Technical High School function. And this was the first party, not the afterparties.

And there is nothing better than watching your Japanese coworkers get drunk. Personalities are suppressed to such an extreme degree in the workplace (though less so in Technical High School) that any display of a personality is newsworthy.

What continues to surprise me most is how much English everyone at Technical High School (ok, from now on, THS) knows, and how willing they are to try to talk with me. This couldn't be more different from Academic High School (AHS), where even at the goddamn English teachers' parties I'm treated like just the foreigner trophy to add prestige and cosmopolitanism to the affair. And we all know no sane person talks to their trophies.

Yet, at THS, everyone from English teachers to electrical and machinery teachers were more than willing to try to talk. While clearly no deep or profound conversations were had, it was enough to build rapport, and it shocks me just how different this is than AHS. It's like that rebar that is rammed up all of the asses of the teachers at AHS also causes them to have a crippling fear of both appearing inadequate and embarrassing others with lesser English ability. Not so at THS.

There's no real point in giving a tedious play-by-play, but I think one of the highlights came from Yours Truly, if I can humbly say so.

You see, by the time the new teachers were on stage giving their obligatory, canned welcome speeches, I was a little less, inhibited, shall we say? And the teacher I was with was even worse than I was.

So when some poor awkward guy goes to bow in front of the microphone before starting the speech, he smashes his face right into the microphone.

Naturally it was the most hysterical thing either of us had ever seen. To be fair to us, he was probably more drunk than we were. The problem was that no one thought it to be nearly as funny as we did. And the patter of polite laughter died long before we stopped finding it funny.

I don't know why. It was hysterical. The sound. The fact that it should seemingly happen all the time but doesn't, but finally did here. The fact that he continued like nothing happened. The fact that he rubbed his forehead right afterwards. Or maybe it's like "Dude, you're Japanese, shouldn't avoiding that kind of thing be so practiced and culturally ingrained that it never happens?" Well, it's burned into my mind and still makes me laugh.

Of course the alcohol had a lot to do with the hilarity, but so did the fact that we stupidly kept looking at each other. Had I been alone I would have laughed, but stopped when it got quiet. But when you're with another drunkard the laughter continues long after it's appropriate because you keep fueling each other's fire of drunken humiliation. It was memorable to be sure.

But clearly such behavior was noticed and not in a necessarily negative way as two separate teachers made a point to invite me to a welcome bowling party followed by drunken shenanigans at an izakaya. As it turns out there is a welcome party for AHS on the same day.

What a tough choice: sitting alone in silence with people I can't stand or drunken bowling followed by more drinking with people who actually talk and have a personality.

Hmmm....

74681

What's that seemingly random number you ask?

It's clearly not the number of posts on this blog.

Or the dollars in my bank account.

Or the yen in my bank account.

Or the times I've thought about burning down Academic High School.

Or even the ounces of alcohol I've drank since coming to Okinawa.

No, that would be the amount of my loans for my first year of med school.

In dollars, not yen mind you.

After utterly destroying my day, I quickly realized, "Well, I had better damn well thoroughly enjoy my last few months." And I renewed my pledge to come home with no more money than I arrived with. Because clearly, it's not going to make a shit of a difference.

Of course that doesn't even begin to make the situation cool, and it would be a lie if I denied that a significant part of me hopes the plane back to Chicago explodes somewhere over the Pacific.

But if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go buy something extremely expensive that I don't need, while I still can.

A Bullshit Vignette

It was a Friday afternoon and as tends to always happen, I get up to do my 'ahh the end of another mind-numbing day' stretch when a flood of students break into my office suddenly needing a "native check" of some critically important 100 word essay or bullshit journal entry on who their hero is. (I swear to God that's what they call it. That's my role at Academic School. The "native").

But what they had brought me was a stack of shit that was actually intended for another teacher. So I accepted it then brought it over to the teacher and explained what they were. I got the best look of stupidity combined with serious attitude I've ever gotten in Japan from this bitch. We had quite a problem. I was left standing here with this stack of papers, my dignity in shreds, and she was basically refusing to take them. I tried to explain yet again what this was and why it was intended for her, but it was only met with this blank, stupid, confrontational stare.

Having become a master of non-verbal communication since my time in Japan I verbally answered the question that she was non-verbally asking me. "I want you to take these, that's why I'm here." (Clearly, I've learned nothing about the virtues of being indirect.)

While it's true she was probably pissed that I basically did the same thing to her that these students did to me a few minutes ago, the last thing I needed was a fucking stare-down. After it became apparent that if she didn't take them from my hands they were going to end up on the floor as I walked out of her office, she thought better of it and accepted.

I Should Probably Learn People's Real Names.

I seriously am beginning to think that for a person to work at Academic High School a person must meet one of two qualifications. Either: a) be so thoroughly and completely socially fucked up that the only person needed to complete the scene would be Nurse Ratched or b) have the warm and approachable personality of a pissed off porcupine.

And, no surprise, the new teachers at Academic High School are proving to be a highly qualified batch indeed.

However, Technical High School also got a new crop, and they are post-worthy for entirely different reasons.

First we have new Vice Principal, who we will call Warden. Why? Well for a few reasons. First, he is a total douche. Second, you know the warden from "Shawshank Redemption"? Yeah, he has the same mannerisms, and same style of speech (in Japanese). Total. Douche. And I really have no choice but to call him Warden as he didn't raise his head or give me his name when we met. Though I must say, I do get my daily dose of entertainment from his constant self important shouting and exaggerated gesturing into the phone. What a fucking caricature.

Then we have Ikemen-sensei. I've never seen so many barren, middle aged, well-past-their-prime women so unashamedly hot and bothered over someone. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so disturbing. Admittedly, this new guy is Ikemen (as everyone reminds him), and is hands down the most attractive person in the staff room, but that's not saying much. Ok, fine. I'm just pissed that I'm no longer staff room Ikemen.

We also have a new guy in the English department, Mr. Terrifying Secret. He is so unremarkable and bland I really think he is at the wrong school. Someone should tell him he belongs at Academic High School. The prison for those without a personality is a few kilometers south of here pal. And true to belonging at Academic School, there is something that is ever so slightly 'off' about him. It's barely perceptible, which only makes it more terrifying. I'm leaning towards recovering from a nervous breakdown. Or who knows, maybe he's just your average weirdo; nothing deviant or dark, just mildly fucked up.

Sadly, we also lost a few characters at Technical High School as well.

Most devastating to me was the loss of Cinnamon. He didn't work in my office, but the clerical one. Where does the name come from you ask? Well... you see, working at Technical High School leaves me plenty of time to read (and analyze the shit out of everyone there). So one of my reads was "The Wind Up Bird Chronicle", which contained this character named Cinnamon. One day I passed Real Life Cinnamon when I suddenly realized, "Holy shit, he looks really familiar, why haven't I noticed this before?" I went back to reading the book at my desk, when I had another realization, "Holy shit, why do I have such a vivid image of what this character 'Cinnamon' looks like"? A few days later I saw Real Life Cinnamon again and made the connection. "Wow! It's Cinnamon!". I had such a vivid image of this character because I made him to look like this office worker. The character in this book is young and fashionable and never speaks, yet somehow everyone can understand him. There is something simultaneously calming and intimidating about him. Just like Real Life Cinnamon!

So there you have it: gained Warden, Ikemen-sensei, and Mr. Terrifying Secret, but lost Cinnamon.

I should probably spend less time reading and more time learning people's real names.

Best In Show

New teachers arrived today at Academic High School! I’m so excited! I get to be ignored by a whole new, fresh set of faces!

Everyone, perfectly groomed and looking their best, was paraded into morning meeting like the Westminster dog show. Except with a lot less obstacle course action. And a lot more bowing. But they’ll be trotting around on short leashes soon enough.

All the teachers just sat and clapped as each one entered the room, bowed and “yoroshiku”-ed themselves blue in the face. It was basically a formal sizing-people-up ceremony. It was definitely good to be in the audience and not be the one on display for a change.

Next was the English teachers lunch welcoming the new teachers. Any get together exclusively with the English teachers is a laugh-a-minute, but when it’s a midday lunch (Lasting for exactly one hour! Don’t even think about deviating from the schedule, you anarchist asshole!), with awkward introductions, with no alcohol, you know you’re in for a good time. Everyone introduced themselves, and as I’m prone to do, I forgot their names as soon as the sound waves reached my ears. But cut me some slack, I only just learned the names of the teachers who have been in the department the last 9 months. So basically, there is not a chance in hell that I will learn the new teachers’ names before I leave.

While part of me is legitimately excited to see a new round of teachers, primarily for the (likely false) hope that someone will turn out to be social and normal, another part of me doesn’t even want to bother with the new teachers and is genuinely annoyed. Building rapport, figuring out personalities, all that social shit. (Look at me, sounding like a real English teacher!) By the time I even begin to have a hint of such things it will be time to go. I don’t want to come across as cold with the teachers, and it’s not like I miss the teachers who left. It’s more of a practical thing than an emotional one.

I mean, how can I be expected to pick another Best In Show after only knowing the new dogs for 3 months? You can’t, that’s how.

Especially without an obstacle course.

Hey There! I Still Exist!

Writing something here feels like randomly calling a friend you haven't talked to in years.

What should I talk about? Will they even want to listen? Should I even bother?

In either case, there really isn't a legitimate reason for the lack of contact, it just kind of, happens.

So maybe the the first thing to take care of after false apologies and promising it will never happen again is maybe to recap the last crazy month, plus (in chronological order):

*Went whale watching. Apart from watching 80,000 lb. whales leap out of the water (twice!), I met some of the friendliest people I've run across since I've been here. Of course, such an experience deserves its own post, but let me sum up in two sentences. First, the whole whale watching experience is surprisingly unscientific and involves just as much whale chasing as whale watching. Second, more impressive than the sight of a humpback whale jumping out of the water is the sound of a humpback whale jumping out of (or more accurately, hitting) the water. Think: empty dump truck being dropped from an airplane into the water.

*Watched as my lovable delinquents from Industrial High School graduated. Much to my extreme disappointment there was a severe lack of crying or kimono. Even more to my extreme disappointment, the official graduation song was none other than the SMAP version:

Seriously, these guys are more of Japanese cultural fixture than the Emperor. (At the risk of losing the last fragment of respect you have for me, however, I will admit that the song has grown on me.)

*Then of course came March 11th. Appropriately or not, it reminded me heavily of September 11th. The out-of-nowhere factor. The fact that it was broadcast live making everyone feel that much more helpless. And the way that it made everyone else in the country reevaluate priorities. Treating it as just another bullet point is probably extremely inappropriate, but I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.

*Was reminded all over again why Academic High School makes me want to stab most people who work there in the brainstem.

There's No Ikemen or Osaka Whores Here, So Move Along.

It seems that more and more often people stumble across this blog from a google search.

Let me be the first to tell you that, given the search words that are leading y'all here, I'm really sorry to disappoint.

Most popular is far and away "ikemen" or "ikemen blog" or something involving "ikemen". I've only posted on ikemen once and I'd be willing to bet it is not what the searchers are looking for. And now that I've written "ikemen" five times in the past three sentences I'm going to draw in more poor unsuspecting souls. It's like an ikemen Siren call. Sorry to smash your hopes on the rocks.

Next is Takuya Kimura. Actually, if I was searching for Takuya Kimura and I came across my posts, I wouldn't be too upset. They would amuse me for a few minutes, then I'd move on. So, I won't apologize for this one.

And my personal favorite search term that has led people astray to this blog is a searcher from Thailand google searching "Osaka whore".

Yes.

Well, I definitely do need to apologize to this person, as I am pretty damn certain they were not searching for a metaphor comparing the city of Osaka to a cheap prostitute.

Just thought I should take the time to apologize to everyone in the future who stumbles across this looking for lots of ikemen, Takuya Kimura, or Osaka whores (and I can't let February pass having only posted twice!).

How To Learn A Language, Step 1: Find "Motivation"

If I can confess, up until about a month ago, my studying of Japanese consisted of a two-fold strategy: willing myself to learn it and hoping to learn by passive osmosis. Surprisingly, simply wanting to learn something really badly will not actually make it happen. Equally surprisingly, simply hoping to just absorb it by being constantly surrounded by it also does not work.

So, motivated by the consuming rage that accompanies being a mute I charged my way to the bookstore and bought out the Japanese language section.

And I must say, it's surprising just how much you can learn by actually studying. However I have seemed to approach a weird step in the language acquisition process. I can generally understand what people around me are saying (or saying at me) yet I don't have the ability to respond back. Which is even more frustrating than the situation I had been in before. It's the language learning equivalent of "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly" (see, random credit-filler film analysis courses do have a purpose, namely name dropping to make a person seem refined).

However I have two constant sources of motivation. First, I will not allow myself to make an ass out of myself: I bought these books in a fury of motivation I can't take the expected route and burn out after a month.

And second, it's amazing how the motivation to learn a language can be sustained when the results are a little more, what shall we say?

Tangible perhaps?

What do Cup Ramen, Deodorant, and Leather Goods Have in Common?

I was in the grocery store the other day when I looked down at my basket and thought “What is all this shit? What was I thinking when I put this in my basket??” While some were things I really didn’t need, some others were things I needed but brands I never use, but for whatever reason decided I needed to have that day.

So I went back through the store, retracing my steps as I put the needless shit back. Cup Ramen. Potato Chips I don’t even like. A cosmetic product I never use. A flavor of gum that seemed like a needless risk.

By the time I got to the gum I looked up and I was eye to eye with Professional Pretty Boy Takuya Kimura. “Wow, this asshole will whore his perfectly proportioned face for just about anything huh?” I thought with a slightly jealous (but pretending to be better than him) smirk.

I continued with my shopping contemplating how unfair it is that anyone should look like that and wondering what he really looks like without pounds of make-up and perfect lighting, when I noticed, “Seriously. This guy is everywhere.

Cup Ramen:

Potato Chips I don’t even like.

A cosmetic product I never use:

A flavor of gum that seemed like a needless risk…”

“Oh shit.”

“They got me. Those sneaky bastards got me and I didn’t even know it!!!”

“Damn you marketing conglomerates with your cheap and totally not subtle techniques. But most of all damn you Takuya Kimura and your unholy beauty!”

I don’t remember thinking that I should buy said products because Takuya Kimura was on or near the product. But clearly the connection cannot be denied. And really though. Does the man need to advertise chocolate, hair products, gum, chips, cup ramen, and everything else? Can’t he just stick to being in one of the most successful Japanese bands ever and being a movie star? Clearly he doesn’t give a flying fuck about over-exposure or becoming the Proctor and Gamble equivalent of product spokesperson.

I mean, how many people do you know who whore for 98 yen cup ramen then turn around and pose with Beyonce for $500 handbags?

Then sell out 60,000 seat stadiums with barely mediocre singing?

Not that I'm jealous or anything.

(Look at this shit!! This basically turned into a Takuya Kimura homage didn't it?! Damn him; getting fabulously wealthy based on nothing other than a favorable combination of genes!)

When Parallel Universes Meet

It is one thing to get so caught up in daily life that I forget the fact that I’m actually in Japan, then have it suddenly dawn on me. But it is quite another to actually go places and experience things that I have seen a million times in videos or pictures.

These moments are incredibly powerful. Seriously. When I had the moment I’m about to write about I almost passed out. Which would have been a serious problem because it was on a crowded subway platform in Osaka.

Part of the fact that these moments might be so powerful is maybe because a lot needs to go right in order to have these “Holy shit!” moments. First and most difficult, I need to have seen something Japan-related in the US, then physically have that same exact moment in Japan. It’s like two parallel universes must merge for a moment. But it’s not enough for these universes to merely meet, I must also be consciously aware of the fact that it’s happening so I can step through the break in the space-time continuum caused by such a moment and temporarily reach the Divine Enlightenment of the “Holy shit” moment.

Anyway, let’s get to the story.

On my third and final day in Osaka back in November I was tired, cold, and doing anything to avoid going back to the hotel to pack my suitcases yet again and head to the next city on my whirlwind tour. So I was standing on a platform waiting for a subway on the main line in Osaka, when I decided I just needed to sit and absorb what’s going on. So I deliberately missed several trains, just watching the scene on the platform.

This is not one of those narrow tube platforms. It was needlessly huge. The ceilings were vaulted like, and about as high as, a cathedral. The lighting was provided by chandeliers (yes chandeliers) that gave off a bright, but dingy yellow light.

So every time a train arrived this magical little jingle would play.

The first time I heard it I was like “Huh. That sounds kind of familiar.”

The second time; “OK, I’ve definitely heard this before. But that makes absolutely no sense. Where in the fuck would I have heard the ‘train-approaching’ warning for the Osaka Midosuji subway line?”

The third time; “Seriously. This is like I have a mosquito bite on my brain. Next time, really focus ok?”

The fourth time; “OK, I heard it while looking at a skyline. Pachinko Parlors. Evening. Setting sun.”

Then it hit me. It was the background sounds in the opening of “The Great Happiness Space” (the host club documentary I know I've mentioned on here before) as the camera pans over the skyline of Osaka. When I first saw the movie I had no idea what the sound was, I just assumed it was a pachinko parlor.

Here is the sound from my American parallel universe:


Watch THE GREAT HAPPINESS SPACE - TALES OF AN OSAKA LOVE THIEF in Movies | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

I have no idea why the realization was so powerful. Maybe it has something to do with the jingle itself? It’s so non-offensive, yet interesting. It's the public transportation jingle equivalent of having a Japanese woman in a pink pill box hat, matching pink skirt-suit, white gloves and bright red lipstick come up to you, lightly touch your arm and say (while smiling and gesturing down the track); "Why, excuse me sir the next train will be approaching within moments. Could you kindly stand behind the yellow line (while gesturing with the other gloved-hand)?"

AAAAnyway I was compelled to record it for myself. No doubt it’s probably unremarkable for you, especially if you haven’t seen the movie, and been in an Osaka subway station, and had to struggle to remember where you heard it.

But for me it is maybe my most tangible proof to myself that I’m actually in Japan. Of course I’ve been to other places that I’ve seen in travel shows or youtube videos, but this was way more powerful. Maybe because it was so personal. I mean, how many people have the Osaka subway jingle burned into their subconscious stemming from their unhealthy obsession with host clubs?

Yup, this jingle carries some serious baggage. It makes my skin tingle every time I hear it. If I play it for someone, they won’t understand at all and I’ll probably get two questions. First; “Why would you record the jingle on the Osaka subway?” Second; “Could you please stop crying, you’re making me uncomfortable.”

Party In The USA...Kind-Of...Basically...

I definitely can't help cringing when I watch this video. Not for the obvious reason of the guy who is way too comfortable being Miley Cyrus, but for the fact that they're singing "Party in The USA" in another sovereign country that has basically been commandeered.

But it's ok! Party in the "USA"! It really is borderline propaganda. It totally gives off the vibe of "Hey! You outsiders/critics don't know what you're talking about! Okinawans love having 20% of their land stolen and playing host to 75% of the US troops in Japan!"

I wonder if the group of Americans hijacking major intersections waving the American flag for the sake of a Youtube video is meant to be symbolic? Or just unimaginably ironic? To their credit, they do include waving the Japanese flag around, but that just makes it seem all the more like, "See, Japan is totally cool with it too."

That said, I think I like the video, partly because I can go "Oh Hey! I know that place!" and partly because the people who made it seem blissfully unaware of how inflammatory it could be. Or maybe they did and that was their point? That's probably giving them too much credit.

This video honestly blows my mind. I don't use that phrase too often, but seriously, there are so many layers to this video you could study it for a semester in university.

And you know what? For those of you who haven't been to Okinawa, it's not even a good crash course/tour. Don't get your hopes up.

Naturally, they stick basically to the American sections.

You Can't Be A Celebrity Without Scandal

It seems like the last week or two have been filled with one social catastrophe after another. But for your sanity and mine, allow me to detail only two of the more interesting ones.

First was a combination New Year's/Teacher's Marriage party only among the English teachers at the Academic High School. At best it was going to be a night of awkward silence and boredom, at worst it could definitely be one alcohol-induced embarrassment after another.

It was actually a combination of the two. Actually, it was more like the first led to the second. These parties are notoriously boring. I mean, can you imagine the high school Spanish department throwing crazy parties? Of course not, language teachers are losers (I mean that lovingly of course).

It is seriously shocking just how little English is spoken when a bunch of English teachers get together. I've had more engaging conversations with the gym teachers. I've been told it's because none of the teachers want to show off their ability in front of the others, and possibly shame someone else. Whatever the reason, I'd rather sit through a 3 day seminar on the latest changes to the 2010 tax code led by Ben Stein in excruciating detail than go to an English-teacher-only teacher's party.

Anyway, for reasons I've still yet to figure out, just about every teacher at the Academic High School thinks I'm a hopeless alcoholic, so I needed to make sure not to disappoint. So basically I spent the night trying (and failing) to match drinks with another teacher. I'm sure this did nothing to help my alcohol-soaked reputation. But trust me, having a glass of beer in the company of English teachers pretty much qualifies you as an alcoholic.

So, with my reputation now wholly solidified, the other drunkard amongst the English teachers suggested karaoke. I said fine, and three other (sober) teachers joined us. Karaoke is not my thing, but I go if the peer pressure gets to me. To make a long story short, the whole thing was incredibly awkward and we ended up losing one of the teachers.

With that weekend of awkwardness behind me it was time to start a week of sideways glances and eyes cast down.

But if that was it, that wouldn't really be post-worthy would it?

No no, my students were also kind enough to create social catastrophe number two. You see, apparently just about every student at Technical High School had seen me at the shrine on New Years.

I think I almost passed out when they mentioned the shrine's name, because I knew immediately where it was going. "In the name of all that is holy and sacred, if they saw the New Year's Groping Incident..."

But no, they were much more concerned with my company. I was with two other ALT's. Female ALT's to be precise. And naturally their imaginations got completely and inappropriately out of hand. As expected, no one was having any of my entirely innocent explanation (which was true, as the people I was with will surely tell you faster than I would). While this unsurprisingly earned me the eternal admiration of the male students (how they can't say "How are you" but somehow know the word "Playboy" is beyond me...).

The reaction among the girls was decidedly less admiring. They weren't disgusted or making fun of me about it, but were genuinely devastated by it. I now totally understand why the teenage male idols here are so carefully controlled, and are portrayed as perpetually single. It's freakish just how fast teenage girls' burning obsession can turn to stone-coldness. While this is probably for the better, I don't like losing my adoring fans, no matter how fucking crazy they are.

Maybe what shocked me more than the freakish turn of opinions was just how fast the news spread. Every class I walked into knew that I had apparently gone to the shrine on New Years with women on each arm.

Surely not every student was at the shrine. Which means I am the topic of hallway and lunchtime conversation way more than makes me comfortable. I brought this up to a teacher and she's like "Oh yeah, they always talk about how they see you at *this store* or *this restaurant*."

This is genuinely terrifying. It's like fighting a guerrilla war. They're everywhere around me, reporting back about me but I can't separate them from the civilians, and adjust my behavior (or avoid these locations entirely) accordingly. And you know? If they're constantly seeing me, can't they properly identify themselves, as the Rules of Engagement demand? Can't they extend me that most basic of courtesies?

So there you have it: A drunken outcast at one school and a hero/celebrity fallen from grace at the other.

Pop Culture Tuesdays XIX

In honor of restarting these posts, let's look at a band that I'm a little ashamed to like...

Perfume!

I think this blog has been pretty good about avoiding the trap of generalizations, but I'm going to end that right now by saying that if you go to karaoke with at least one Japanese person they are going to sing a Perfume song. I don't know what it is, but it's like this group sets out only to make legendary karaoke songs.

Anyway I'm posting this particular video so I can make yet more generalizations!

For you see, this video also serves as a crash course in Japanese Women, their mannerisms, and aura. The constant wearing of heels, the excessive and deliberate cuteness, the supernatural ability to always appear put together, and let's not forget the ability to float down from the sky.

Or maybe it's more accurate to say that this is what all Japanese women secretly strive to be and view themselves as. It's like this video (and Japanese women) embrace all of the stereotypes on women and say, "Yeah, so?"

Now, now, don't mistake this as my having a thing for Japanese women. I really don't. I just like their sanity-crushing attention to their appearance, that's all.

Also compare this to AKB48 (see past Pop Post). While the emphasis on cuteness is clear in both videos, I think it's safe to say this one seems a little more mature and less embarrassing to watch.

Perfume: cuteness tempered with class.

If you don't absolutely hate this, I suggest watching some of their other videos. Apart from mastering the ability to create the perfect karaoke song, they also have freakishly perfect synchronization and make it look completely effortless...

Hmm, more generalizations applicable to Japanese women.

See how informative Pop Culture can be!?

The Little Victories

After having pissed away shameful amounts of time and money investing in baths, I just made an amazing discovery.

My air conditioner is, in fact, also a heater.

Or maybe more to the point, I have also figured out how to work it.

This is monumental.

I just thought I needed to shout that into the empty well, you know?

It's OK, I'm A Rich English Teacher, I Can Take Baths

I can't really decide if this is a TMI post. (Actually I guess I have considering the fact that it's posted.)

I mean, inherent in bathing is nudity. I'll try to be 'adult' about it...

Why am I writing about bathing? Because I clearly am having difficulty coming up with material? Because it could be a 'teach-able moment' (remember that bullshit phrase?)? Yes.

So, it's been insanely cold in Okinawa. A bitter 50 degrees-ish. I don't know exactly since I've been converted to Celsius, meters, and left-sided driving.

Though you are justified in laughing at me for complaining about a bitter 50 degrees. Trust me, it feels unbearably cold, especially when no buildings in Okinawa have heat. Getting up in the morning is such a nightmare, though I'm getting scientific about creating the absolute minimum amount of time between 'under blankets' and 'in shower'.

So, I've heard one of the best methods to deal with the cold without heating is to take a bath. And my bathing habits are not usually blog-post worthy, but when you bathe Japanese style, trust me, it's worth writing about.

Admittedly, this isn't my first Japanese bathing experience, my first was in a public bath in Tokyo...and that is an inappropriate blog topic.

So, as you may know the most important rule is to bathe before getting in the bath. You idiot.

Thankfully my apartment has a room solely dedicated to the shower/bath. Trust me, this is critical. Second most important is to get over any image issues and learn to enjoy squatting naked on stools while hosing yourself down like an elephant (not to exacerbate those body issues...).

Once clean, ease yourself into the bath, which must be painfully hot. For maximum enjoyment, the temperature difference between bath water and air temperature should be as great as possible. I suggest opening the windows of the apartment.

Baths are a bit of an anomaly in Japan. I seriously think they are deeper than they are long. And it's surprisingly not uncomfortable. Can I suggest a position like you're making a 'U' with your body? No? Ok then, sit with your legs crossed.

I'm not really the bathing type so once I was in I had no idea what to do with myself. Do I just sit here bored and naked? That seems like I'm asking for trouble...

Do I fall asleep? Do I get drunk? Do I read?

Traditionally, the bath is filled once and all the members of the house share the water (hence the importance of being clean before entering), but I don't see how this works since the water gets cold surprisingly fast. Once I had my fill I pulled the plug, while still in the bath. Which is what I imagine dying must feel like. Or interestingly, being born too I suppose.

Now I was naked and sitting inappropriately in an empty bathtub. It was time to get out. It's surprising how it was entirely fine a minute ago, but without water, was completely disturbing. Actually it was more like 5 minutes ago; yeah that's how deep the bath is. And it takes an honest 25 minutes to fill 3/4.

So draining that was definitely representative of death. Namely my financial death when I get the next gas bill.

But it's not a lie, I was warm (and bright, lobster red) the rest of the night.

My Fortune Is Coming True Already!

"Past their best are the cherry blossoms in the garden, falling to the ground with the rain in the setting sun."

That's what 2011's got in store for me. Also, I can expect "unexpected misfortunes". Hmm. Though, now that I know the potential for misfortune, will it still be unexpected? Finally I need to be careful and exercise more control and restraint...

I can't disagree with that last part...

In any case, the good folks at my local Shinto shrine aren't instilling me with great faith for a fantastic 2011. Maybe it's comeuppance for my 2010?

Anyway, warnings for disappointment and calamity aside, my pious visit to a shrine on New Year's was quite an experience.

The piousness started at the local bar.

I generally try to make it a point to avoid foreigner bars (for reasons that I won't hijack this post with), and I was reminded all over again why I took such solemn vows. Especially on an island playing host to 40,000 square-headed assclowns from Backwater Tennessee or Bumblefuck Indiana with such a palpable air of swagger they make anywhere they go feel like the Wild West (in a very, very bad way).

Once a group of what seemed like 100 of these anonymous modern cowboys walked in and turned the bar into the local saloon, it was time to go. But not before I was completely awestruck by how interchangeable they are. Not just because of the haircuts; they seriously were all about the same height, had the same facial features, and same mannerisms. And let's not forget the girlfriends, who were all like replicas from some kinky science fiction movie. Namely blinding trailer trash blond hair, giant chests, and deafening laughs. I totally expected "Sweet Home Alabama" to start playing in the background.

Most of us were mildly drunk, so when we all exchanged 'Let's get the fuck out of here' glances no one was especially disappointed.

It was decided that to do New Year's right we needed to head to the nearest Shinto shrine. We headed to the monorail station, where, lo and behold! one of my students was seemingly waiting for the sole purpose of seeing me drunk. He is one of the few students I like at the Academic High School, and can remember. Probably because of his hair that is straight out of Dragon Ball Z. In any case he was with what I'm assuming to be a girlfriend, I was also with female companions, and The Man Code seems to be the same in any country and across all ages. (Read: We completely, but obviously trying too hard, managed to 'ignore' each other).

After that potential for disaster was (possibly) averted, it was time to head to the shrine. It was basically like a carnival mixed with a religious service. It had just the right amount of reflection and fun. It was probably my favorite New Year's so far. And serving alcohol at a 'religious' function is never a bad thing.

Or maybe it is. For you see, as I was standing with the masses getting ready to do the clapping and coin throwing, I was also experiencing the other Great Japanese Tradition: Groping.

At first, it was simply pressure on my back. OK, it's crowded here, no problem. Though I thought it odd when the pressure didn't move. Usually when pressed up against someone, you shift to let the person know you are at least making the appearance of trying to avoid this exact situation. I just let it go and stood my ground. Which was clearly my biggest mistake because it was obviously interpreted as a sign of "It's OK, I like it." Next thing I know, I have, what I'm hoping to be a hand, moving back and forth across my waist.

I wish I could have seen my face the moment I realized what was going on. My eyes must have been bigger than the 500 yen coins in that offering box. Yet, once I knew what was going on, truth be told, I didn't stop it right away. First because I wanted to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Second because I wanted to consciously remember my first Japanese groping. And third, because it would be a lie if I said I didn't like it, at least a little bit.

Finally though it was time to put an end to it. The only way this was going any further was if I was getting a substantial offering thrown at me. And although it was way too crowded for anyone to notice, I wasn't about to risk it.

So I cleared my throat, and moved closer to the people I came with, signaling 'Hey, I'm with them.' and the fun was over.

Maybe to call it 'groping' is needlessly exciting. There was definitely conscious and erotic contact, but there was a disappointing lack of actual aggressive grabbing. No ass squeezing, no cupping, and the whole thing lasted maybe two minutes.

I ended it before I really had a chance to fully appreciate, ahem, absorb the whole thing.

Oh well, like "...the cherry blossoms in the garden, falling to the ground with the rain in the setting sun." I guess.